Spoiler alert

I love watching films. They’re one of my favourite ways to spend a couple of hours. One of the main problems I have with long haul flights is that I don’t see them as a chance to sleep; I see them as a biannual opportunity to watch 6 films back to back.

As a result one of the elements of UK life I was more concerned about missing was satellite TV, the internet and regular DVD sales at closing down high street entertainment stores.

One major bonus about where we live in China is that nearby there are a couple of DVD and music shops. These are a little different to the DVD shops you get in the UK because, well, let’s just say the anti-piracy ads you get at the start of DVDs may not have translated all that well.

Sufficed to say I’ve not been found wanting for movies to pass the evening with.

Anyway, I bought a film the other day: 10 Cloverfield Lane. I’d seen a trailer for it wherein a girl looked to have been kept in a basement by a guy who claimed that he was keeping her in there for her protection as there’d been a terrible attack outside. The trailer set up an intriguing premise about whether this was true or not, and whether she was being kept prisoner.

I suggested we watch it but Emma, who doesn’t especially like any films or TV featuring captivity, asked what it was about. I read off the back of the DVD pack (spoiler alert):

“Following an argument with her fiancee Ben, Michelle leaves New Orleans and drives through rural Louisiana. Late at night, she turns on the radio only to hear that there were continuous blackouts in major cities. Distracted by a call from Ben, Michelle gets into an accident and is rendered unconscious. She wakes up in a concrete room chained to a wall, and is approached by a man named Howard, who explains that an unknown attack has taken place and that he brought her to his bunker after finding her on the side of the road. Michelle meets Emmett, another survivor who witnessed the attack and fled to Howard’s bunker. During dinner, an unconvinced Michelle steals Howard’s keys and tries to escape, but discovers Leslie, a woman suffering from severe skin lesions, begging to get into the bunker. When Leslie dies, Michelle realises Howard was right and stays.”

Emma: “Isn’t that the entire plot of them film?”

Me: “….. Yes, actually I think it is. Even the twist. Bollocks”

In creating the fake DVD case, they’d obviously just taken the plot description from some local equivalent of Wikipedia. I know it’s partly my own fault for not buying the genuine article, but I’ve not actually seen any genuine DVD shops yet! In any event, I thought that rather than watching a film that I no longer needed to bother watching, it might be fun to

The local cinema attendance figures have been slowly on the wane since they started revealing the endings to films in their trailers.

imagine what the backs of some of the other films in that store might have said. Spoilers will follow.

  • “Bruce Willis is a ghost who used to be a child Psychologist. He keeps encountering a little boy who can see dead people. Occasionally he gets cold but no-one knows why and then are several strange happenings happen. Later, his wife tries to talk to him but she can’t, because he is dead.”
  • “Ellen Ripley is working on a spaceship. One day while exploring a planet, one of her friends gets attacked by an alien which plants an egg in his stomach. Later, the egg turns into a monster and bursts out of him. It chases and kills everyone on board, except Ripley, Ash, who is a robot so can’t die, and a cat. Ripley escapes onto a smaller ship but so does the alien. Fortunately she survives by ejecting it into space.”

My good friend Alex Hume suggested:

  • “It’s a film about a rag-tag bunch of criminals who attempt a heist on a boat. The plot is narrated by a limping Kevin Spacey, who is really leading villain Kaiser Soze, but he makes a story up to a policeman in his office using his belongings for inspiration, so you don’t find that out until the end.”

Please feel free to add some in the comments section (try not to blow the plots of recent movies!!)

One thought on “Spoiler alert”

  1. Darren and I made the unfortunately mistake of watching 10 Cloverfield Lane a couple of weeks ago on Sky (the description on Sky didn’t have the spoilers though). It started fairly well and we were quite impressed. The spoiler on the back of your DVD misses out the point where it just gets ridiculous and ruins what could have been an ‘ok’ film.


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